“I can” vs “I should”

How you talk to yourself, (and you talk to yourself. A lot!) whether it be aloud or in your head, can have a big impact on your emotional state, focus and overall mindset in a given situation. An important part of building mental toughness is tuning into your inner monologue and making sure your self talk is beneficial for you. Working to replace unhelpful self-talk habits with productive ones can increase your mental toughness, enjoyment and level of performance over time.  

One common self-talk habit that can be detrimental to an athlete’s mental game is thinking about what they “should do” or “should have” done. This might sound like: “I should beat that person”, “I should birdie this hole”, “We should win this tournament”, “I should have seen that coming”, or “I should have passed instead of taking a shot.”

In this post, we will look at why thinking in "shoulds" can be problematic and how replacing "should" with "can" may shift an athlete's mindset to be more effective.  

Framing the Situation

When you frequently tell yourself what you "should" be doing, you are limiting your definition of success and what success can look like. This rigidity creates pressure on you to perform in one specific way and manifests as immense pressure not to fail. Why? Thinking in terms of "should" creates a situation where, if you do what you believe you should, you have merely met the status quo, or a minimum expectation. Anything less than that is a failure. 

However, if you approach a situation or performance thinking in terms of "I can," you open yourself up to seeing the situation as an opportunity to succeed, rather than creating pressure not to fail. This "can" mindset allows a person to see multiple possibilities and paths to success and achievement without creating unnecessary, added pressure. It admits that there is a chance for a less than perfect performance (we are not perfect and can’t expect ourselves to be!), but also sets a belief that it is within you to perform at a high level in the given situation. 

Attention and Focus

With increased pressure and anxiety about not doing what you "should," it is easier to focus on the consequences of failure. This can sound like: “What will other players think?”, “It would be so embarrassing to miss this”, and “We can’t lose to this team!” This focus on the consequences of failing takes your mind out of the present moment, which is often where attention and focus need to be to succeed. 

On the other hand, using ‘can’ statements can help a person see the opportunity in different scenarios, and thus helps shift attention to what needs to happen to make the most of those opportunities. Rather than worry about the outcomes of a situation, the focus goes to the actions  needed to make the most of a situation. Using "I can" statements like “I can win this race”, “I can compete with this field”, “We can finish this game out”, can create less pressure and fear of judgment based on your performance which allows you to simply focus on doing your best in the moment. 

Good and Bad Outcomes

You can have success and great performances, as well as poor outcomes and performances, no matter what mindset or self talk you have. There are no guarantees, but thinking in terms of "I should" or "I can" can make it more likely that you react to success and failure in a more productive way.

 Good Outcomes

"Should" statements can rob you of joy in our success. When thinking in terms of ‘should’ oftentimes a good performance is followed by relief at not failing, you didn’t embarrass yourself. Thinking this way tends to downplay success, and prevent expressing excitement or pride in accomplishment or celebrating at all. This is because thinking it should have happened anyways means success is no big deal, it’s not worth celebrating.  

Even when performing well, the mindset created by 'should' statements can create a rollercoaster of stressful moments laced with anxiety about failure and judgment followed by relief at avoiding those negative outcomes. Over time this can cause mental fatigue, performance anxiety and burnout due to lack of enjoyment.

‘I can’ statements create a mindset that allows you to acknowledge your success and find pride and joy in taking advantage of opportunities. It allows you to feel good about making an effort and succeeding, and builds confidence going into future situations. 

Bad Outcomes 

If you perform at a lower level than you believe you "should," it feels like a failure and an embarrassment. This embarrassment has the potential to spiral if the athlete continues to focus on feeling judged by others, lets frustration impact their decision making, or shuts down as a result of embarrassment. 

Thinking in ‘I can’ statements allows space for setbacks, bad luck and mistakes. This doesn’t mean setbacks aren’t disappointing or frustrating, but this mindset can help you move on from them and refocus more effectively. ‘I can’ thinkers can more easily shift their focus to the next opportunity to find success rather than getting stuck worrying about what they should have done. 

For example a golfer who is using ‘I can’ statements and hits a bad shot might show frustration by cursing and disappointment by slouching their body language but will be able to quickly move past those feelings and refocus on the next shot and how they can make the most of it. A golfer in the same situation thinking in ‘I should’ statements might still be showing signs of frustration at the previous shot, be making excuses to try and shield their ego, and worrying about what they ‘should’ have done for the rest of the hole or longer. This lingering frustration, embarrassment and focus on the mistake can make it less likely that they bounce back from it. 

Summary

Tune into your self talk and build awareness of how you are framing different situations in practice and competition. If you find you are using ‘I should’ statements frequently or experiencing some of the results of consistent ‘I should’ thinking we have discussed, try using some ‘I can’ statements instead. Overtime practicing using ‘I can’ thinking can help shift your mindset and improve your ability to bounce back from setbacks and mistakes.